Single people are assholes

Single people are assholes.  Not all, just a few ruin it for the bunch. My friend wants to go to the Brooklyn Art Museum to take the kids to Target Free First Saturdays.  It’s a free event where you can see the exhibits and they have music and interactive activities.  They used to have this big dance party that was AMAZING;  people of ALL ages, colors, backgrounds coming together, drinking sangria and dancing to the pulse of whatever awesome eclectic tunes the DJ was playing.  It was the first place I ever went where I didn’t feel like a loser for having a kid; I felt included in something and it felt good to be able to bring him with me.

The museum wrote a letter explaining that they stopped the dance party because the building could not hold the capacity of people that would turn out for the event.  Too many people at a museum?  That’s such a HORRIBLE thing! (Sarcasm is terrible.) Some folk commented on the end of the dance party era and while many were sad to see the parties go, there were quite a few who applauded the move. One commenter wrote, “I am glad to see the dance parties go. Sorry, but I had to stop going to first Saturdays due to the overwhelming crowd of people and kids, most of which were totally uninterested in the art or programs, and basically stood around looking to make the scene.” They then went on to further note, “Its too cheap, they needed to charge people entry and/or membership in order to attend. Thats what the Botanical Garden does. When BBG has their cocktail parties its members only and its very lovely and relaxed with just the right amount of people. Making the dance parties free made the place too open to kids and persons not interested in art in the least.”

Now, I am all for art.  I love a good quiet museum and the cultural enhancement it brings to both mine and my son’s life.  But if art is only for the “right” amount of people, that completely excludes us.  The dance party was 1 NIGHT A MONTH; simply one night when you could go out and have fun in a unique way that included your children.  It allowed you to meet others and feel free for just a little while to be young and single and childfull (as opposed to childless).

Many people complained about having to watch  kids shake their groove thangs on the dance floor as though there aren’t millions of bars and clubs in NYC that exclude children and people with children where they can take their stuffy attitudes every night of the week! Grow up! Kids are a part of life and I’m sorry if every once in a while they disrupt your perfect, quiet, single life.

Our society has demonized raising children; as a mother I feel like a leper most days.  I have this incurable disease that makes me responsible for someone else and not able to go out and get wasted every single night and sleep with multitudes of men.  I truly apologize for that.  American culture in its race to be unique from its predecessors has made bearing kids a dirty activity.  If I have to hear one more time, “Oh, you have kids?  I would NEVER do that!” or, “So glad I don’t have to deal with THAT kind of thing!” one more time I’m going to shove some of Max’s dirty laundry down the person’s throat.  Admitting I have a child to people is like someone admitting they were in the herpes commercial because they actually have herpes; people give me this look of disguised disgust and pity that makes me want to throw up.  

Yes, having a child is difficult.  Yes, it restricts what I can do.  No, it did not ruin my life.  It actually saved it.  There are so many things I would not get to do if I did not have Max and so many places I might have been that were unhealthy for me if I did not have someone to be responsible for (I’m talking to you back alley where my imaginary self would have probably been giving handjobs for cotton candy. I kid, I kid.)

Single people take it upon themselves to constantly complain and remind me of why kids should essentially be kept in cages or abolished from this country.  So let me politely remind them of the things that kids add to our society before they start making laws against procreation:

Kids ALWAYS have fun
I mean always.  Only a kid will see an empty box of any shape, color, and size and think, “Playtime!” I have been out soooooo many times with single people who can’t seem to have fun simply because the place is too crowded (or not crowded enough), the DJ is not playing their song, somebody looked at them funny, or their drink is not right.  If any one condition goes wrong for some single people the whole night is a bust.  It was 24 degrees outside the other day and while I was scowling and freezing my down covered tail off I watched some kid skip past me.  This little m-effer was skipping!!! The conditions of that day were definitely not right.  And I realized then that kids held an important secret; life does not suck.  Life is what you make it and if you make it fun, it will be fun.

Kids ALWAYS have hope
The other morning Max and I were getting dressed and my Pix E. doll was still laying in bed (more on the doll later.) He said, “How come she gets to stay home and I have to go to school?” to which I replied, “She is a doll.”  He then went on to ask me, “When I have a little sister, will she get to lie in bed all day when I go to school or will she come with me?”  He then constructed this whole narrative in which I would strap this little sister to my back and take him to school and then go on to work with her tied behind me for the whole day.  I just sat and marveled at his optimism.  Whereas, I have just about given up my dreams of having more kids with a partner who actually cares (I have actually considered getting my tubes tied out of lack of faith in men),  he still maintains that it is in the plausible future to have a larger family and speaks as though we have to get ready for it now.  His hope for life is unfathomable.  Even on Christmas when there was no tree he simply said,”We’ll just have Santa put the presents on the steps.” I think if we all learned that kind of unshakable faith the world would be a better place.

Kids ALWAYS make you feel young
It would seem to be the opposite, I know, but children have this way of reminding you about the little you who still lurks inside somewhere.  For Christmas, I bought myself a Lalaloopsy doll.  I have no idea why, I just REEEEAAAALLLLY wanted one.  Now I sit with her while I’m watching TV and she sleeps in my bed.  She has twisty green hair that vaguely resembles my locs and little butterfly wings.  She makes me happy.  And it is because of Max I realized it is ok to have her in my life.  His unadulterated obsession with toys reminds me that sometimes, just sometimes, we should want things and get them just because they make us smile.  Everything is not about work and gain and accomplishment in life; some things are about pleasing our inner child.  And when my inner child smiles I feel lighter, healthier, and more ready to tackle this big world.

Kids ALWAYS enhance society
Let us not forget the most important thing that kids give us: the continuation of humanity.  Listen, I read a lot of post apocalyptic dystopian society books and believe me, life without being able to produce children blows.  Something to do with the end of the human race and all.

Now I know that children can be difficult.  There are days when I want to strangle Max but then I remember that I am too delicate for prison.  But there are also days when he makes me laugh so hard that whatever was bothering me floats into oblivion because he is one of the silliest and funniest people I know.  So to all you cynical single naysayers here’s a tip: You don’t want to be around kids, don’t go outside.  In fact create your own little island society in which only adults roam and no one has to bother with anyone under the age of 18. See how long that lasts.  Without kids, you won’t have much to look forward to.  As for me and Max, since we can no longer go to the Brooklyn Museum and shake our buttcheeks (his phrase, not mine) we will simply have to have our own dance party in the house.  Hey, at least I won’t have to worry about that creepy guy coming up to me and saying, “Soooo, your kid need a father figure in his life?” Now that’s gross.

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